Post by Aqua on Feb 9, 2018 17:23:57 GMT -5
So, I'm gonna be collecting experiences here (rather than all over the board) that I think have to do with this function.
For today, connection to emotional register, the experience of shame:
I did something embarrassing yesterday that I can't get over. I feel it in the pit of my stomach every time some passing thought reminds me of it. When I do, I have caught myself doing really weird animated stuff. It's more than the disgust look. My lower lip kinda snarls downward in something that looks like a gag reflex (in my mind since I haven't seen it in a mirror/camera) and my body curls up in the same gag-reflex way: stomach pulling in and knees pulling up, chest down, hands clutching tummy, a curl.
The sensation itself is in the stomach, an impulse to expel something really unpleasant from the stomach: yet, it's nothing tangible (it's not bad food or smell or sight or the picturing/imagining of similarly disgust-inducing physical stuff). What the "body" wants to expel is a sensation of vomit that has no connection to anything physical in reality or imagination. That stomach-churning sensation is only due to the memory of an event that I am embarrassed by and regret.
The event itself, vaguely: I said something thoroughly woo-woo'ish/bats__tterous in a conference hall full of really serious folk that display none of those tendencies (there may have been mention of aliens in my little contribution at some point). The conclusion they reached on me immediately registered in their faces as I spoke (to my horror) and I knew I had been dismissed. I felt like nothing I ever do will ever let me get taken seriously again.
I'm curious if this rather physical condition has anything to do with the register. It feels rather like an emotion (shame) has been turned into a thoroughly sensory experience. Perhaps my body does that to shield my emotional center from directly experiencing shame.
It really does feel like a violent self-hatred rising in the pit of my stomach. On some level, I know there is some self-expulsion/rejection going on. Perhaps this kind of thing is turned into a physical thing ("to be expelled") rather than felt in my emotions because it's too much at that level.
For me, clearly emotional feelings (not bodily/sensory feelings) happen in the core of my chest, slightly to the right of the center. Here, joy can explode and inebriate everything else and serious misery can live in a strange stifled/twisted feeling I've been trying to describe in poems and journals for years now. For me, this rather physical place is where my "I" resides: I discovered that some years ago when I realized that when I felt personally attacked, this is where my brokenness was felt: I wonder whether that is universal or an Fi kinda thing or if it is just an Authenticity kinda thing?
Anyway, I'm not sure how all this is connected to sensitivity to the emotional register but I think it is.
For today, connection to emotional register, the experience of shame:
I did something embarrassing yesterday that I can't get over. I feel it in the pit of my stomach every time some passing thought reminds me of it. When I do, I have caught myself doing really weird animated stuff. It's more than the disgust look. My lower lip kinda snarls downward in something that looks like a gag reflex (in my mind since I haven't seen it in a mirror/camera) and my body curls up in the same gag-reflex way: stomach pulling in and knees pulling up, chest down, hands clutching tummy, a curl.
The sensation itself is in the stomach, an impulse to expel something really unpleasant from the stomach: yet, it's nothing tangible (it's not bad food or smell or sight or the picturing/imagining of similarly disgust-inducing physical stuff). What the "body" wants to expel is a sensation of vomit that has no connection to anything physical in reality or imagination. That stomach-churning sensation is only due to the memory of an event that I am embarrassed by and regret.
The event itself, vaguely: I said something thoroughly woo-woo'ish/bats__tterous in a conference hall full of really serious folk that display none of those tendencies (there may have been mention of aliens in my little contribution at some point). The conclusion they reached on me immediately registered in their faces as I spoke (to my horror) and I knew I had been dismissed. I felt like nothing I ever do will ever let me get taken seriously again.
I'm curious if this rather physical condition has anything to do with the register. It feels rather like an emotion (shame) has been turned into a thoroughly sensory experience. Perhaps my body does that to shield my emotional center from directly experiencing shame.
It really does feel like a violent self-hatred rising in the pit of my stomach. On some level, I know there is some self-expulsion/rejection going on. Perhaps this kind of thing is turned into a physical thing ("to be expelled") rather than felt in my emotions because it's too much at that level.
For me, clearly emotional feelings (not bodily/sensory feelings) happen in the core of my chest, slightly to the right of the center. Here, joy can explode and inebriate everything else and serious misery can live in a strange stifled/twisted feeling I've been trying to describe in poems and journals for years now. For me, this rather physical place is where my "I" resides: I discovered that some years ago when I realized that when I felt personally attacked, this is where my brokenness was felt: I wonder whether that is universal or an Fi kinda thing or if it is just an Authenticity kinda thing?
Anyway, I'm not sure how all this is connected to sensitivity to the emotional register but I think it is.
(Kodama! We neeeds Kodama. Where iz teh Kodama?) <---never mind her, she's forgot her meds.
That's a whole other conundrum.
I'm finding my ability to manage improves though as my general wellbeing improves. We need every neurodivergent soul out there, happy healthy and challenging the world to change