I'm quite curious about how you would describe yourself. We've got several NeFi on the forum but no bios. And from the looks of it your type is one quite misunderstood/underestimated. If you'd gift us with insights into your mind..
What is it that interest you about life? Is there something you're deeply passionate about? How do you experience your creative process? Where does it start, and where does it go? What sort of dreams do you have? (like, sleep-dreams) or life dreams/goals works too! What makes you laugh? What challenges have you had with people, regarding your natural mode of existing? What challenges have you had in the work-world, considering your psychology? How would you say others see you? Does it matter to you what they think? What pattern do relationships with others typically follow? How do you usually deal with bad situations? What's your reaction typically like? If there's one bit of advice you could give others and be assured that they'd adopt it, what would it be?
Just some open-ended questions to start things - feel free to pick whichever ones you'd like or answer your own.
First off, I am constantly questioning my type, so if I am not NeFi, then so be it. On the other hand, if I am, then I hope this helps.
Okay here goes: My main challenge in life has been thinking abstractly, plus being emotionally intense.
What abstraction looks like to me is: consciously developing a distorted impression of actual objects, such as George Braque’ Violin and Candlestick where the shapes of the objects are embedded in the painting, but without analyzing the picture in more depth it is hard to decipher. I feel like my mind is similar to that – fragments of images and ideas waiting to be collected into something concrete or decipherable. As a result, I come across vague or unclear. . . and to top it off, I can be emotionally intense, so if I haven’t taken the time to articulate myself, then I create an awkward situation where others become defensive and offish. Whereas, if I find someone who is willing to work through an idea (sensitively and verbally), then I become comfortable and nonthreatening. Sadly, I feel l don’t find enough people willing to debate and discuss a theory (messily), and so I lean towards keeping my ideas to myself – in fear of sloppily presenting them, or sounding argumentative.
When I was young, I felt constantly bombarded with strong emotions (which was getting me into trouble all the time) so eventually I resolved that feelings were a bad thing, and decided to cut them off. In fact, I am barely starting to allow myself to be tender again. As a result, it has been hard for me to share my true feelings with others. It takes me a long time to feel that I can trust a person with the real me. Fortunately, those few people, I allow into my intimate circle, are the only ones that get to know that I really care– everyone else, not that lucky. And I am always in search for relationships that I can connect with deeply.
My relationship with feelings also extends to an abstract realm as well. Feelings take on a shape that resembles visual energy radiating from within a person, which I sense and sometimes see change in color and atmosphere like a mood ring.
One of my main quests in life is to be ultimately self aware, as well as find others I can relate to. Since I struggle with relating to other people, I unconsciously start to morph into them, which results in loosing who I am. Unfortunately, as soon as I find something I can associate with, I get bored and wish there was something else I resemble even more. So it is a two edge sword, ever seeking for a connection, but still keeping it unique and fresh. I have recently decided that if I have an image of what I am like, then it can be an anchor to the real me and I won’t get lost as easy.
I am also sensitive to discrepancies, in a technical, subjective, and theoretical way. As a result, I am constantly on the search for new and better ways of looking at an idea or belief. On the other hand, because I am sensitive to inconsistencies, I either firmly stick to what I believe in until I have been proven wrong, or I observe and research until I feel comfortable with what is being presented to me. Alternatively, I can jump on board with an idea; standing firmly for the ideal I believe in, but at the same time welcome any new type of data that gets me closer to the truth. But I think I have taught myself to be cautious, because (like my younger emotions), I was (and am) impulsive, so I can be impulsive about an idea, but since I don’t get all the information first, I make tons of mistakes before I get to the right solution. This has boiled over into my typing, because I like to try things on to see if they fit before I commit.
Okay now that I have rambled about the generals, here are some specifics:
I have a fetish with vintage things; I love that they seem to have special stories attached to them.
I keep boxes and trunks (especially the ones with keys) filled with little trinkets, because I like feeling as though they have a secret contained inside.
My undergrad was English Literature. But I also studied art, psychology, and art history.
I talk to the moon, and secretly believe that it is telepathically connected to my true love.
I surround myself with funny people, because I must laugh; and they like me, because I find them funny.
I have to agree that my main obstacles in life are similar to what Mimsy has written. (I don't see feelings as colors, but that does sound pretty cool.) I’m sure I could come up with more obstacles as well, but my memory works in a way where…well it sometimes just doesn’t work. I have limited memories of childhood and those I have are suspect. I have a tendency to create fantasies in my head about past situations and have realized that sometimes I have a hard time distinguishing between what I imagined and what really happened. I am more cautious now about what I disclose about my past.
The abstract mind is a challenge. I definitely think in impressions, which means that I will feel I know something, but the detail of it isn’t always accessible. I often get a feeling for what the right answer is and then I have to search for the details and facts to support it. More often than not, the details and facts are there to be found and my answer is well supported, but I am quite dependent on outside sources to supply the detail – books or internet resources usually. Facts and details rarely stay around long in my mind (usually long enough to ace a test and then they find another home). I also have this thing about me that I lovingly call ‘the hole in my brain’. It may have something to do with me having cross-dominance (I’m right-handed/left-eye dominant). Words and thoughts will completely disappear from my mind. Simple words, names of people I should know, numbers, etc. I will think one word and people will tell me that I said another word (this usually happens with stuff like ‘right vs. left’, letter names where I will think ‘A’ and say ‘D’). The only possible way I have found to retrieve the information is to calm myself and do what feels like making a mental shift in my brain. If I’m lucky the word will pop into my brain. I’m not always lucky.
I envy those that can sit down and write what they think or feel right on the spot. It takes me a lot of processing to figure out either of those, and then once I think I have them figured out, I change my mind. I remember realizing when I first entered college that I had no real opinions on much of anything. I think that leaves me with a feeling of not having a real identity. And, yes, I have found that I tend to lose my sense of self when in relationships. It seems that everything is very fluid. My opinions and my emotions come and then go. So, I do tend to keep them to myself. I have poured my heart out to friends only to find that my friends hold onto my thoughts and feelings longer than I do. So, I tend not to share if I can help it. Ideas are safer to play with, though I am very careful where I express those as well. I’ve noticed that some people tend to hang onto my ideas longer than I do as well. I find myself in a pickle – I don’t dare express myself in fear that I will frustrate people or scare them away, but I tend to alienate people because (I have been told) they sense that there is a large part of me that is blocked off to them. So, I offend people either way.
I feel that I am a very committed friend and partner though. I am a good listener and usually quite supportive and open-minded. I don’t always feel that I am allowed the same support and open-mindedness in return. I tend to stay too long in relationships that are not supportive to me.
Another problem I feel I have is that what Albert Ellis of REBT fame would call frustration intolerance. So many things came easily to me when I was young – school, music, art, dance, friendships. If it’s not easy, or if I feel progress is too slow, then I have trouble sticking with it. Too much pressure, criticism and I crumble, the process is less efficient. I work hard and see little progress. I usually end up sick or physically hurt (muscle tension, sprains, repetitive stress injuries, etc.) But, if I am surrounded by supportive people and a relaxed atmosphere, I will progress faster, I stay pretty healthy, I flourish. The best learning environment for me is a small group. I don’t always have the motivation to learn things for myself, but I have incredible motivation to learn something if it means that I can better participate with a group of others. I learn best through a combination of jumping in head first into the thick of things and intensive self-study (usually necessary to get to a level where I can keep up with the others). I tend to get a little competitive in that I like to have a reputation of being good at what I do. So, I compare myself to others too much.
I studied music in college – specifically Piano Pedagogy. I found that I liked the theory behind it all more than the actual performance part. I was lucky to have been placed with a piano professor that had (what I consider) a fairly advanced understanding of the mechanics of technique, including the connection of mind and body when it came to learning and performance. That has helped me immensely in many areas. I have been able to apply these principles to various areas of my everyday life – from helping me handle anxiety better, to learning why it was so tiring for me to do certain chores around the house (and eventually fixing the issue). It also was the key to helping me understand Taoist philosophy and has been very influential in my ability to interpret the Tao Te Ching as well as the I Ching. (My current obsession.) Same with music in that I like playing with the ideas better than any sort of physical practice.
I also have a strong attraction to vintage things and the special stories (real or imagined) connected to them.
Sorry about the weird spacing above! I wrote this out first in Word and then cut and paste it here. It looks like I am trying to write everything as if it were poetry. lol. Perhaps one should read it accompanied by bongo drums.
Last Edit: Jun 26, 2013 13:51:57 GMT -5 by anagrams
"I definitely think in impressions, which means that I will feel I know something, but the detail of it isn’t always accessible. I often get a feeling for what the right answer is and then I have to search for the details and facts to support it."
"I learn best through a combination of jumping in head first into the thick of things and intensive self-study (usually necessary to get to a level where I can keep up with the others). I tend to get a little competitive in that I like to have a reputation of being good at what I do. So, I compare myself to others too much."
Learning anything that interests me is the thing that interests me most. What a strange statement that is. The things that get me most passionate are typically related to talking or thinking about positive socio-economic change and education reform. Not that i necessarily have anything good to offer to either of those and in fact i usually keep these to myself, but it is something that can set a fire burning in me, it is what i dream about. I also really enjoy just about any kind of science. Among my friends i am the guy that always has an answer to any question either because i had already become curious myself or as just some random thing i know. If i don't know the answer i will find it and share it with my friends because discussing and sharing of this information is incredibly entertaining to me. I love to help others learn more than i like to learn myself. My learning tends to be from the bits and pieces that i find interesting and relevant, which is the stuff that sticks. So explaining the concepts to someone else solidifies all of it in my own mind and i feel helpful at the same time. More importantly than answering questions though is asking them. I love to ask thought provoking questions often in front of the class typically for two reasons. One is my own curiosity but i often have a good feeling that i know the answer. The other is with the hope that the question will help others in class think about the topics differently hopefully improving class wide comprehension.
I don't know if you would call my sense of humor refined but i do find a lot of things funny, I'm actually quite easy to make laugh so long as i don't have a moral issue with the situation. Actually now that i think of it this is making me think of one time in gym class in high school. The teacher acted a bit like a drill Sergent or at least that was his reputation. I hated gym class as i never really saw a point in sports and the like. But he seemed like a nice guy so whatever, anyway the joke! So in class we are all sitting around him in a circle and he's giving a bit of a motivational speech or some such nonsense. And all of a sudden he says that us teenage boys are "strong like ox, smart like street-car". I was hysterical i just couldn't contain myself, i thought it was so funny. I was the only one laughing. I actually cant help my smile right now thinking about it.
As far as my creative process typically goes i tend to like making functional stuff by eye. By that i mean not full out engineering something but jury-rigging it. For example like making a sign for work out of old shelf hangers and the like. Basically anytime i get a chance to think up a way of using something practically for a purpose other than what it was designed. As far as my own humor is concerned it is always situational. It almost always comes about from a silly misinterpretation that i realize is silly after i understand the truth. Or sometimes a deliberate reinterpretation under a sillier light. For example i once got into a really long line up to a convention that wasn't open yet which 10 minutes later grew to twice it's size and so out loud in a dead-pan way i said "well at least we're half way through the line now."
I've encountered challenges relating to other people since i was a child. I was a very shy and emotional kid who didn't understand others well. I also had issues with becoming consumed by an intense interest in video games quite young. Which definitely didn't help me relate. Even back then i was curious and liked to learn but i hated school. Others would make fun of me calling me stupid and such. And labels such as adhd and learning disabled just felt like proof that it was true. Don't get me wrong when i was a child i had troubles with my emotions. And so reinterpretations on my feeling towards people and what i thought were their's toward me made me very unpredictable to be around. I'm sure there we're times where i was completely unjustifiably mean. Whether i was sometimes mean because that's how i was treated or whether i was treated that way because i was mean i don't know. It typically does matter what other people think of me but really it just boils down to if i have unintentionally hurt somebodies feelings. Otherwise i use my own compass to determine my self worth.
My one piece of advice is to never give up hope that the world can be a better place for our children than it has been for us. But hope isn't all it takes, it takes becoming educated about the truth of what we can change. And letting that idea fester within yourself so that one day we can stand united in it and truly change the world.
The video up above really speaks to my heart about the truth of humanities potential it is two hours and forty minutes long so if you decide to watch it there might be a lot to digest.
"I definitely think in impressions, which means that I will feel I know something, but the detail of it isn’t always accessible. I often get a feeling for what the right answer is and then I have to search for the details and facts to support it."
"I learn best through a combination of jumping in head first into the thick of things and intensive self-study (usually necessary to get to a level where I can keep up with the others). I tend to get a little competitive in that I like to have a reputation of being good at what I do. So, I compare myself to others too much."
So true!!
yeah i can relate to both of those too just a week or two ago i was explaining a concept to a friend. but i was in such a good enthusiastic mood that i lost sight of myself. i humorously told him that although i was quite certain that it was true i would have to go and confirm it online to make sure.
actually i relate to a lot of the things said by you two but i'm not going to go into all of them right now cause i bet that last post of mine took me an hour to write. i'm going on a walk.
I am not sure if I am a NeFi, but I am more certain that I use those pair of functions (NeSi,FiTe) and that I'm a P-lead, at least conceptually (but also visually).
I'm finding really hard to answer the first question, which I think it's the most important of all of those. Maybe some other would trigger some reflection and hence something relevant like the last one. I think I am passionate about knowing every bit of who I am. I know I'm changing and that I have changed and I also know I am multifaceted and this heavily influences my sense of identity. It's really hard for me to define me because I think of all of the parts of me that I am disregarding in the process, but I also dislike not being defined, maybe because I put a lot of value in it, but I think it is a humane need. A need for identification. I also like music, personality typology theories (like the enneagram or MBTI), maths (specially algebra, calculus and statistics), board games, anime ... The other day I was talking with a friend about how interesting everything is. I said to her that I always answer yes to the questions in personality tests such as 'Are you attracted to....?'. Museums, concerts, even clubbing. Everything is appealing. Maybe I'm not discerning it enough. Not maybe. I know I am not. So I wish I could live more passionately.
My dreams? I want to make music. I want to live in Japan for a year or so. I also want to learn more impractical things. Yes, I don't want to put them in practice. Well, just unexpectedly. 'Someone here knows how to make crème brûlée?' (raises hand) 'Me. Incredibly, I know how to do a very delicious one.' (listening to an italian song in the radio, for some reason) 'Wow! I understand the lyrics'. I also want to be constantly moving. I don't really think about relationships too much, but I know having a diverse collection of acquaintances is fruitful. You get immersed in diverse ambiances. Well, I'm failing at that. I know I won't take care of those relationships. I'm not good at taking care of things. Well, just the things that really matter to me. Not to say that is the reason why I am failing. I'm a little bit antisocial, even if I fantasize with relationships, belonging to groups and such. Even recognition. Sharing experiences. Remembering the old days. Personal jokes. Anecdotic conversations. Second family. Escaping from mundanity. Us vs the world. Getting lost. Introspective journeys. Camping, road trips. Finding a place where we can finally be alone. Our territory. Our secret base. A refuge. A sanctuary. A waterfall. Swimming naked. Pictures never revealed. Countless hours of leisure. Just the company. A clash of universes. Still separated. But mutual trust. A gang. Sewers. Impriting ourselves into each other. Chill. Dancing, drinking, smoking pot. A whole new world... Too much influence from TV and films. \ It's in my plans to live alone. I don't dislike it. I only will have one half of the picture. But I'm young. I will find my pack someday. These are just ideas. I'm not the planner kind of guy. But I recognize that going with the flow does not work because I got caught in a rut of boredom. I'm eternally bored. Something needs to change. I have been feeling this for years now. Well, this is just blabble.
I have a fairly decent idea of how others see me. Actually of how I think others see me. Some of this is factual. Some people see me as easy-going and leisurely. That I lack any kind of obligation. Just chilling. Wasting my time doing nothing. Some others see me as a serious guy. Not friendly. Unapproachable. Awkward in intimate scenarios. Reserved. Doors closed. Antisocial. I think others see me as a boring person. Some others probably see that I live in my world. I think I'm emotionally independent and I think people see this often. Everyone's having a good time. Here comes the downer. No reason to be noticeably joyful. Well, I'm going to show them how happy I am. (jumps like rabbit in the meadow or follows the rhythm of the music in my headphones) No one's cmplaining. Making frowns. Being in the middle of an argument. Supports the underdog. Applause. Not. Maybe some others see my quirky or wacky side. I think due to my size that I'm noticeable. I'm big like a bear. Well, kind of. Sometimes I don't like it. Sometimes I don't care. Do I really don't care? Well, I care if others see this individuality. If others see this peculiarity. Sometimes I doubt it. Feeling common or average. Just protecting an ego, why not? ntntnt I don't feel like advertising how few fucks I give. I detest the trend of 'They laugh at me because I'm different. I laugh at them because they are all the same' and 'Be yourself' propaganda blahblahblah... If you truly feel that way, there's no need to make it sound and clear. It's suspicious. Trying so hardly to convince yourself. Some people see the exaggerated goofy expression. Some people see the embittered deadpan. Just a few see it all, like me. To reconcile such battle! I dislike when others disregard others' subjectivity, but I'm pretty intolerant myself. I dislike when others are so judgmental, but I'm pretty critical myself. I dislike when others treat others with superiority, but I can be arrogant sometimes. You cannot dislike in others what you don't dislike in yourself. It's true. It makes sense at least. Always bragging about how full of acceptance we are. It's humane to dislike some things. I have always disliked arguments. What for? What is right? What is wrong? Everything's so subjective. It's all matter of conviction.
I wrote everything as I think it. By pieces. Each point is an expression of emphasis. Or pause. It wasn't really my intention to be so cryptical maybe or to be carried away. Maybe in a few hours I wouldn't find this as relatable as I felt it when I wrote it down. Maybe I'll see things with a more optimistic twist. Or maybe a more fatalistic one. Or maybe a more sensible one. Or a wiser one. Or a levelheaded one. A more rational one. Or I will see what I forgot to mention. There's too much to say. Diatribes.
“but i was in such a good enthusiastic mood that i lost sight of myself.” “Learning anything that interests me is the thing that interests me most.” I so relate to this cjorr
“A need for identification.” “I'm not the planner kind of guy. But I recognize that going with the flow does not work because I got caught in a rut of boredom. I'm eternally bored. Something needs to change.” “Maybe in a few hours I wouldn't find this as relatable as I felt it when I wrote it down.” Yes, yes, and yes NingenExp
I also love explaining things and I learn better if I do it. Maybe because I have it all in my head but I cannot simplify it and explaining it to others or thinking out loud helps me to clear my mind of all the clutter that populates it. To organize my thoughts. I also notice mistakes quickly (e.g. in math exercises or when I am programming). It also happens that, if something enthralls me, I behave differently. I become focused on accomplishing the task. I plan and I do. Without any distraction. I cut the chase. I move. My pace is quick.
I also think I do not take a lot of risks or accept a lot of challenges or put a lot of effort into things. I tend to process everything in the moment, like when I'm answering a test. I do not learn a lot of formulas because I perform more naturally when I deduce them in the moment. That's why it's important for me to understand things from their foundations, to make things consistent to previous concepts and that's why I do not panic if I face a new situation, because I can come up with an answer more quickly (just in the areas I understand from the core, like maths). Despite this talent, I lack the ability to be mechanical. To come up with fast solutions to problems that are so common that could be easily solved with formulas or already proven methods. It happens pretty often and that's my weakness. I need to stop being so restless. That's why I do not consider myself outstandingly smart but I think I have the potential. I am one-upped in many situations by those who don't waste a lot of time trying to understand things from the core every time they stumble on a similar problem and maybe they see a bigger picture from a practical standpoint. They advance more quickly. The have more checkpoints (like in a videogame). I easily get lost in the maze inside of my head. I drown in this sea of data.
post edit I think I relate to you when you say that sometimes you understand something but you cannot explain it, because you don't have the details to back it up and you end up like a fool or without sharing your insights. The other day our friends and me were talking about God. My beliefs in that matter are not easy to explain like saying I believe in God or not and when I tried to do it (just like everything, starting from the basic concepts, from zero, like if there were no saved files in my system), I was quickly shunned and told that God was an invention of man and it doesn't exist and, even if I slightly agree, I wanted to talk about what I think God is and how are my stances on it. That, for me, there are two realms of thought and that God exists in one of them as a symbol or concept and I acknowledge its value, but also my lack of knowledge to transfer it into the rational realm of thought. I still feel unconvinced. Consider everything is the path for absoluteness, even if I doubt of its existence and still I idealize it and try maybe naively to find it, but it's also the path for confusion, lack of guidance, uncertainty, undying open-endedness. Maybe it's the only way I will ensure myself that I will never stop looking for answers. My mindset is constantly evolving. Absorbing the most my brain can and more. I play devil's advocate with my beliefs. What if. What if! I don't feel I'm made for arguing. I don't feel ready, I guess.
Last Edit: Jun 27, 2013 21:23:11 GMT -5 by NingenExp
Post by At-Ease Zazeef on Jun 20, 2014 23:43:25 GMT -5
I haven't been VR'd by y'all CT folks as an NeFi, but I've been at this cognitive typing thing for a bit now and am confident that is in fact my type. (Who knows? My lazy arse may put together a "type me" video yet.) In any case, I won't say much. For one reason, I have reason to believe that that enneagram nonsense may distort some of the things we think of as "typical" to cognitive types. Another reason? I'm just too lazy, and as some of the earlier posters have gotten at, I change my mind about a thing pretty much as soon as it's left my mind.
I feel like something that moves through the world. A way of looking at things. A way of digesting information and responding to it in unreal time. I know a thing and act upon long before I can put it into words (though I would welcome an audience interested in hearing my stutter-start, springboard, slip-and-slide try). I happen to where I am, and dammit if where doesn't happen to me.
And then I'm somewhere else. Out of sight. Out of mind.
Last Edit: Jun 20, 2014 23:49:13 GMT -5 by At-Ease Zazeef
Hardest question, and I’m actually typing this one last. Most of my interest are in the realm of personal psychology and reality. I think a judgement dichotomy that I’m aware of is tempering with my answer… goddamnit. Hmm, I’ll just go with actual examples. There’s a person called Robert Sapolsky who teaches at Harvard and they have a video series about illnesses biology and stuff. I ideagasmed off of that for a bit. I went crazy over Jung. It was so bad that a friend crudely said that I wanted to… ugh… ew.. No.
I enjoyed physics in High school as well. As far as deeply passionate… Roughly a year ago I made an essay on the Universal Basic Income. I think I’m pretty passionate about giving people a livable income where they don’t have to be forced to do anything. I think people’s natural creativity will be allowed to be expressed and I think a lot of work gets in the way and makes them lesser people. Think about how people talk about that “some people are just made to flip burgers”. An absolutely despicable way of seeing things and completely ignorant of the fact that the worldview is tailored to justify capitalism absolute need for workers. Honestly, Most of me just wants society to say that it’s OK not to have the ability to contribute right at the moment as long as there’s some recognition that the person is working towards a point where they can in their own way.
I think I’ve declared war on the whole ‘leech’ idea generated by the right-wing on THIS SPECIFIC ISSUE. Sorry, but it just ignores our current economic reality. We don’t NEED everyone working these jobs because it turns the economy. I mean look at all these jobs that squeeeeze as much as they can off peoples poor decision-making as a result of the growing desperation in our fucking economy. It’s fucking sick. Fast food places as far as the eye can see on a magical highway hopefully leading the fuck away, to another place filled with empty shops as far as the eye can see, going on forever, until everyone snaps and war happens yet again. Essentially, I despise things that people accept as PERMANENT aspects of the economy while using a bunch of neat mental tricks to kill their empathy towards those that suffer. One things I can grant religions that utilize good works is that at least it makes people give a shit!
Sadly, my free thought took me far away, from my family, from my old church network from everything. Hell, the Title of this post should be, “He was conditioned for a church network, than he started thinking for himself and shit went downhill from there”
How do you experience your creative process? Where does it start, and where does it go?
One of the clearest examples of my process is listening to voices in my head. Heck, I even got hospitalized due to… uh… Para trooping off a tree and getting all existentialist with my parents? The thing that got me in was voices in the, head though. It’s most apparent when I’m doing tedious jobs. A good example is how my mind borrowed the voices of Luna and Celestias parody personalities from the YouTube channel ‘Fim Flam Filosophy’. In the parody they are two rather insane characters, with Celestia being a tyrant and Luna being a … well, she would be the same way but she’s second best. Back on topic! While working as an inspector, inspecting the same object… over and over and over… thousands of them (not even kidding) the voices would have a chat about … stuff and I would just listen. Sometimes I would interrupt them and focus, but then it got boring, so I would just let it flow.
In the same way I will see things that… kinda tell a personal story of sorts, but sometimes it’s just random funness. It’s not really that clear visually, I could never draw the details though there is a certainty to it. Shit, see even right now as I’m typing I’m imagining it to the voice of Rainbow Dash, the coolest pony, who really needs to step off the mind, but won’t because she feels like her presence evidences demonstration, which the author is pretty sure isn’t legit grammar but given the nature of this run-on sentence from hell… she’s gone. HAH I WIN. Moving on. I have to make a conscious effort to eliminate the voice attachments as they happen very naturally. Wasn’t I talking about vision? Right, anyways, I will imagine dreamlike sequences that may/may not have a point and just let them slide. TL:DR I choose whether to let these thoughts flow or to resist the flow, but they kind of have a mind of their own. Sometimes I have more control with direct questioning, but they can be pretty sticky. It, also, depends on my willpower when it comes to stopping the flow. Like, right now I’m typing when I should be sleeping so it’s much harder to restrain. I usually feel more creative during these period too. Very much a night owl. Hell, I’ve woken up in the middle of the night and gotten a few burst that way.
What sort of dreams do you have? (like, sleep-dreams) or life dreams/goals works too!
I have crazy insane dreams. Some dreams I will always remember very well right off the bat.
-I was a 2d sidescrolling character traveling on a mountain side. Recently, my sword had powered up to 5000 points and the screen was flashing. Using a magical attack I cut a hole inside the mountain! I step inside to come out of a ... cabin at boy scouts. This is weird as it's all 3d and real life now and I'm the one walking out. I turn and walk to the trading post. When I walk inside I find out... that it's a bar/restaurant! There was a group of people sitting at the table so I joined them. As I was chatting them up, some guy came out of nowhere in a panic and gave that panic to my dream, yay, then gave me a shopping cart. So, in a panic, I ran through some random store getting as much shit as I could into the cart. When I knocked the shampoo in the car I woke up!.
-one dream was really interesting. I was in an old house as a kid again. I don't remember what I was doing, but when I looked outside it was raining hardcore. So hardcore that it started to make bubble come off the back lawn. It was fascinating and mesmerizing! I went to the door, but somehow I realized that the bubbles were gathering on the door and creeping up to the lock, then bursing through to the house. Oh no, stop rain, stop!
-I was at an old friends house in a tree-fort of awesome and we were having a blast. Outside the windows beyond a fence line a giant figure stalked around. I got scared but my friend didn't even care. I decided that the figure was a giant monkey and it started to climb the stairs to our tree-fort! When it got to the top, it was my friends dad! He started yelling at the friend and... I think something bad happened to my friend, but I can't remember. -The crazy thing about this dream is that I had another dream 3 years later that I WAS SURE HAPPENED 3 years later And that WAS A COMPLETE SEQUEL. This shit actually happened in my brain, I kid you now. Anyways. I was canoeing in a canyon river in search for my lost friend. It was a big canyon and the wall went up around me everywhere. I got to a giant waterfall that had a lottery machine attached across it to each wall of the canyon. The lottery started to spin and it landed on three bananas. There were two Donkey Kongs dancing on pillars situated on the sides of the slot machine and they were dancing very enthusiastically. It then began to rain bananas and everyone was way happy. ~fin
-(prediction dream) So, when my great grandmother was still alive I had a very interesting dream about her. I was a tiny little kid (real me and dream me) in an elevator with her. It was going up and there was something in the air that felt sad about it. The elevator stopped and I began to step out, but she wouldn't budge. I turned back to her and asked why she wasn't coming and where she was going. She gave me the brightest smile I had ever seen and pointed up. Then the elevator doors closed. -One week later, my great grandma died in real life. Most of the details of this dream/story were retold to me by my mother after I had told her, so it's kinda iffy. I do remember the elevator though.
-I had a dream within a dream with many different scenes but I can only remember a few. One where I was at the dock waiting. The dock was situated OVER some river which lead to a waterfall. This was the most visual experience ever as a GIANT BOAT WITH MOTHER FUCKING SAILS BURST OUT THE WATERFALL TO THE DOCK. IT WAS EPIC. I DON'T EVEN KNOW. Next scene I was sinking in the darkness of a great body of water sinking deeper and deeper.
- I think I was inside the body of an octopus in another dream, It was disgusting.
-One dream, I was just on the moon suffocating to death. Like... That's it.
-I have a poem about a more personal dream I tried to make, if anyone interested.
-I have had ONE flying dream and it happened last year. It was the most fucking epic dream ever. IT HAS ONLY HAPPENED ONCE. FUCK YOU BRAIN. Anyways, I was at a theme park or something and we were leaving. Like... disney land or something, I don't think I've been to disneyland but yeah. There were a tone of wooden stairs leading out of the place and people were all over them. Also, the stairs were over a giant body of water. So that was kind of weird. Honestly the visuals and context don't really match up, so I don't know wtf was going on. But I started to fly around like peter pan and it was fucking fantastic.
-(most emotionally scarring dream ever) - I was standing in the middle of a sail boat traveling up a 45 degree angled waterfall. There were ropes from each side of the boat connecting with two other similar boats. It was kinda a triangle formation. Anyways, the emotions in this dreams were woah. I was feeling pretty down and ashamed I guess. My heart squirmed in my chest and I couldn't handle it frankly. A figure in a brown robe walked up to me. I could hardly bear his presence. He reached up and put his hand within my chest and grasped my heart. I let out a silent scream. "Your heart is corrupt", was what he said. He ripped it out of my chest. I fell to the deck on my knees. He raised me up again, as if forgiving something... He took another heart out of his robe and said to me, almost timidly and kindly, "here, take mine". He put it back into the chest and walked away. Then the dream ended.
Well, the MLP parodies of ‘Fim Flam Philosophy’ made me laugh quiet a bit. Two scenes that stick out were when Pinkie Pie from ‘bittersweet’ decided to kill herself with ice cream because the ‘health industry’ had diagnosed her with diabetes and was charging her money for it. She did it out of spite and it was hilarious. She also had a Bolshevik accent in the parody which went well with her resistance to the diabetes scheme!
Rick and Morty is pretty damn hilarious too. I can laugh of some of the more zany morbid things that pop up. I know that my old man and I couldn’t stop laughing at Harold and Kumar go to Whitecastle. Dear god that place got so much business from me because of the movie. The sentimentalism of it is making me want some right now… with a red pop… Be strong Josh, the RD voice is back… BE STRONG I SAY. My mind constantly imagines zany scenarios that are kind of the same. Absurdity is funny I guess. I guess one scenario would be me gliding down upside down on a line at a baseball game and hitting the ball randomly, then gliding offscreen. Silly situations.
What challenges have you had with people, regarding your natural mode of existing?
This question just leads to darkness for me, but I’ll try and give you what fragments I have. When I go back to middle school (before high school) there was a group of friends I’d stick around with who, also, had a silly way about them… I guess. I ended up sticking with that group throughout school, but I don’t think I was ever one of them. There were many times when I felt like I was getting thrown under the bus for their selfish reasons.
My main problem was that I would have emotional outburst when I was younger when any of these scenarios arose that threatened … something about me and I would just lose it and cry without any stopping point. A good example is middle school wrestling. I was, apparently, doing okay and getting into varsity pretty quickly based on some point system… I was really good at struggling back up on getting points that way. To be honest it didn’t feel legit at all since I didn’t really know wtf I was even doing. Anyways some kid (short man issues + complete lack of awareness of this dynamic) essentially called me a pussy because I was… protesting the competition… getting offended by something??? I don’t even remember how it was initiated, but I remember the cycle. I would start to lose myself in the outburst and every step of the way he would use this as evidence to dismiss me as a pussy. Eventually I retreated full on tears sat next to a door, obstinately refused to listen to the instructor. I think he was also giving me some, be tough, or something spiel. It didn’t work. I never went back to wrestling and when the instructor asked me why I wasn’t showing up, I literally couldn’t believe him. I think I just gave him the ‘uh, please go away’ vibe as much as possible.
There were, also, many time where I was attempt to fit in poorly by faking know-how in things I didn’t know. I was terrible at it, and it always backfire but I tried anyways. Example was someone ( I remember his full name wtf O.o) talking about how awesome blade was as a movie. I didn’t really watch any of the ‘mature’ stuff at the time so other kids who did thought it was a sign of cool. Cool exist where there is a void of parental acceptance apparently… Anyways, I said yes when they asked if I had watched it. They sniffed my lie out pretty quickly, but I continually tried to press the fact that I’d watched it even when they had laid out all the evidence, give me enough signals that they knew I was posing, and whatever. I don’t know. I was just focused on making them believe whatever the cost. I kind of didn’t respond to anything else.
High school rolls around and by now I had lost interest in activities. First year I tried marching band, which had its own share of adventures. I feel like I tried to play these shallow games that everyone else was playing, yet I did it rather poorly as my heart wasn’t into it. There are many time where I would parody other people’s shitty expectations of me. They bought the shallow representations and used it as evidence to drill me down harder. It was just a mess. Last three years I just stopped participating. Sleeping in class. Books. I don’t even know what happened during that time. After it all went down, I tried to take some personal advice to heart. “Don’t think about it”. It’s strange, when I do think about it there were a few times people would come to me wondering why I wasn’t participating in some group as if it was obvious that it was a thing I should do. One tell was someone asking why I wasn’t in theatre club. I had never even considered it or knew about it, but I can assume the answer I gave was one of dismissal and neglect. Before middle school I was an avid actor at a church when we did plays. I enjoyed it as a kid, and I think the person who asked about theatre club knew about it. Actually, now that I think about it the one who saw me at the play was the one who asked me about blade in an art class. I would lost connection with him the last three years as I withdrew. Tl:DR Fuck this question.
What challenges have you had in the work-world, considering your psychology?
Rage-quitting jobs when I’m there too long. I have a predilection for burning bridged when I’m somewhere too long. Actually, only the jobs I work currently are the bridges I haven’t burned down. When I burn out, I want to erase any chance I will be there again. This has lead me to despise the idea of network and conflations of work ethic throughout all jobs. Also, when I did work I was usually pretty well-liked and I put forth a good effort I think. I wasn’t ‘there’ a lot of the times I worked, and I didn’t fake a good mood. I simply didn’t have the effort and I would spite people who would try to piggyback on the few good times I had and try to turn it into a demand or an expectation.
How would you say others see you? Does it matter to you what they think?
A lost reasonably intelligent Teddy Bear constantly looking downwards. Not an Image I liked, but I have two friends as reference points and I just recently learned that one views me as a teddy bear. The other I had a drunken conversation with when he revealed he viewed me as some guy who’s supposed to do cool healthy person things and he didn’t understand why I was wasting time with him. Though, maybe he felt lost and thought I shouldn’t be. When I got into a mild disagreement with a friend over, what I considered, the lack of practicality to tattoos he told me something about being lost. I just think that we change so much that tattoos don’t make sense. Maybe if there was an erase option…
How do you usually deal with bad situations? What's your reaction typically like?
I withdraw, and distract in the online world and gaming. Pretty consistent across the board. If it gets really bad I’ll snap at anyone who tries to pry me out of the shell. I remember my mom asking me how I was at my worst and I just reflexively blathered, “For me to know and you to find out”. I kind wish I would have just told her that I wasn’t in the mood. We were in a car and the scene got pretty ugly. A part of me wish I would have had the balls to open the door and jump the fuck out as if to say, “I’ll risk life and limb to get the fuck away from you”. Yep. pretttty bad.
If there's one bit of advice you could give others and be assured that they'd adopt it, what would it be?
We all have our own blueprint that makes us who we are. Sometimes society will try and convince us that we are somehow wrong and we should try and adapt to someone else’s. Do. Not. Listen. We all have our own design and I promise that if you rock yours out in the best way you can, it will be 20% cooler than the most compelling visions that they can offer you.
My other piece of advice would be to get physical active, nutritionally sound, and have someone to talk to who doesn’t have the power to make your social network a living hell. Plus it helps provide the coping resources to do the reaching out necessary to make your blueprint shine .
I attached a poem that has a dream sequence at the end.